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I was sitting behind someone at the ATM in Vancouver a few days ago for about 10 MINUTES!! What? Why does it take people so long to take care of their business at an ATM? This poor lady obviously didn't have a clue when it comes to using an ATM. So to make fun of her and others like her I've come up the steps guys and gals will make when using an ATM machine. Sorry ladies! :)
Male procedures:
1) Drive up to cash machine & roll down your car window.
2) Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
3) Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
4) Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
5) Put window up & drive off.
Female procedures:
1) Drive up to cash machine.
2) Reverse and back up to align car window with the machine.
3) Set parking brake, put window down.
4) Find handbag, dump contents onto passenger seat to locate card.
5) Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6) Attempt to insert card into machine.
7) Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from car.
8) Insert card & enter PIN.
9) Enter amount of cash required.
10) Check makeup in rear view mirror.
11) Retrieve cash and receipt.
12) Write deposit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
13) Re-check makeup.
14) Drive forward 2 feet.
15) Reverse back to cash machine & retrieve card.
16) Re-empty handbag, locate card holder and replace the card.
17) Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irritated male driver behind you who's honking.
18) Pull away & call back person on cell phone.
19) Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
20) Release parking brake.
Does the high price of gas have your wallet running on empty?
There's a lot of advice zipping around on how to save money at the pump, but much of it is bogus and some of it can actually hurt your car. Here are some gas saving misconceptions, according to the experts at CNNMoney.com:
1) Change your air filter -- Modern cars have computers that automatically adjust the fuel-air mixture, overcoming dirty filters.
2) A/C or not A/C -- Auto air conditioners are much more efficient than they used to be, costing about one mile per gallon in the city, while having open windows at highway speeds causes gas-draining wind drag on the car.
3) Bolt-on and pour-in products -- Oil companies would jump on additives as fast as auto companies would flock to gas-saving devices in order to boost their profits. Consumer Reports auto testing head David Champion says: "There are a number of gas-saving devices that are generally useless."
4) Use premium gas -- A lot of people use even more pricey premium thinking it will extend their mileage, but for newer cars the good stuff is only recommended, not required, and cars do well on regular gas.
5) Monitor the air in your tires -- Over-inflating your tires means less grip for braking and turning, making the added risk of a crash not worth the extra mile per gallon you might get.
6) Fill your tank in the morning -- The notion that gas is denser when it's cooler is just that - a notion that doesn't hold up in reality.
Guys, when she says this, she really means this:
* Yes = No
* No = Yes
* Maybe = No
* I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
* We need = I want.
* It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
* Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
* We need to talk = I need to complain.
* Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
* I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron.
* You're... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
* You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
* Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
* This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
* I want new curtains = and carpeting, furniture and wallpaper...
* Hang the picture there = No, I mean hang it there.
* I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
* Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
* How much do you love me? = I did something you're not going to like.
* I'll be ready in a minute = Sit down and find a good game on TV.
* Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
* You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
* Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead.
* Was that the baby? = Get out of bed and walk him until he's asleep.
* I'm not yelling. = I am yelling because I think this is important.
* The answer to "What's wrong?": The same old thing = Nothing.
* Nothing = Everything.
* Everything = My PMS is acting up!
Ladies, when he say's this, he really means this:
* I'm hungry. = I'm hungry.
* I'm sleepy. = I'm sleepy.
* I'm tired. = I'm tired.
* I want = I want.
* You need = I want.
* We need = I want.
* I'm sorry. = Will you quit bitching now?
* Do you want to see a movie? = I'd eventually like to get it on with you.
* Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to get it on with you.
* Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to get it on with you.
* Nice dress. = Nice cleavage.
* You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to get you naked!
* What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out
of this.
* What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma
are you going through now?
* What's wrong? = I guess I'm sleeping on the couch tonight.
* I'm bored. = Do you want to head upstairs and lock the door?
* I love you. = Let's do the nasty now!
* I love you, too. = Okay, I said it...we'd better get it on now.
* Yes, I like your hair cut. = I liked it better before.
* Yes, I like your hair cut. = $50 and it doesn't look that much different.
* Let's talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep
person and maybe then you'd like to get busy with me.
* Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to make whoopie
with other guys.
* (While Shopping) I like that one better. = Pick any freakin' dress and
let's go home.
Dumb Warning Labels on Products
I think these are classic! You know the reason the warning is on the label is because someone has done it!
Baby Oil - Keep out of reach of children
Hair Coloring - Do not use as an ice cream topping.
Wet-Nap - Directions: Tear open packet and use.
Sleeping Pills - Warning: May cause Drowsiness
Christmas Lights - Warning: For indoor or outdoor use only.
Bic Lighter - Ignite lighter away from face.
Komatsu Floodlight - This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark.
Earplugs - These ear plugs are nontoxic, but may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe
Mattress - Warning: Do not attempt to swallow
Matches - Caution: Contents may catch fire.
Rain Gauge - Suitable for outdoor use.
Hair Dryer - Warning: Do not use while sleeping.
Road Sign - Caution water on road during rain.
Children's Superman Costume - Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
Sainsbury's peanuts - Warning: contains nuts.
Rat Poison - Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice.
Sign at a railroad station - Beware! To touch these wires is instant death.
Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.
Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 caliber rifle - Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death.
Credit card statement - Payment is due by the due date.
Instructions on the packaging for a muffin at a 7-11 - Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, and eat.
VCR box - Instructional video on hooking up VCR included.
What does she really mean? Here are 8 words women use just to mess with us guys!
1.) Fine -- This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes -- If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only two minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing -- This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4.) Go Ahead -- This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
5.) Loud Sigh -- This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay -- This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks -- A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome.
8.) Don't worry about it, I got it -- Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.
Signs you're wasting your time! (from Men's Health)
• Any weather small talk that lasts longer than 4 seconds (unless it involves a car floating away). If you have nothing to talk about other than the weather, face it, you have noting to talk about.
• Two years. No raise.
• The person running the meeting asks, "Could someone get the lights?"
• You hit triple digits on the cable box, decide to cycle through once more and realize that "What Women Want" is still the best option.
• You've been introduced to someone three times, and they still doesn't remember your name.
• She says it's enough to have seen the Eiffel Tower in Vegas.
• Regardless of what you’re doing, you keep looking at your watch. Either find something you really want to do or stop wearing a watch.
• You give your honest feedback to someone who says, "I want your honest feedback."
• You read any e-mail with the subject line "This is not a hoax." |
